Sundays

I don't usually like to write blog or facebook posts about religion, because most of my friends are not LDS, so I get all uncertain about whether I'm going to be confusing or boring or sound preachy. Really, all I'm meaning to do is talk about my life, as usual, and my life involves a whole lotta religion. But I get shy about that when I'm talking to a ton of people at once. One on one? Not a problem. Shoot me an email. Ask me anything--I would be thrilled. But the group-discussion dynamic gives me stage fright in a way no dialogue or even teaching/performing situation ever has. And I have facebook friends who have said that they will block from their feed anyone who makes tons of religious posts, so that's kind of spooky too.

But. This is my journal, and sometimes I want to talk about this stuff. I've been meaning for a long time to set up a place for myself to do that--it's a little less awkward if it's kind of ritualized. So, I am instituting Sundays. I almost gave it a corny name like Spiritual Sundays, but it's not actually a "feature"; it's mostly for me. So, just plain Sundays. Sometimes, on Sunday, I will talk about this stuff, or just quote neat things I've seen. I may not necessarily explain all my thoughts, because I don't want to have to worry about whether or not everyone gets what I'm saying. However, questions about anything are totally more than welcome. People who are annoyed by this stuff are invited to wander away. I won't be offended. Okay?

So, first one. Today Daniel found the hardback Book of Mormon on our coffee table, so I read him a little bit before he got bored and squirmed away. What I read was 1 Nephi 10:17-19:

"And it came to pass after I, Nephi, having heard all the words of my father, concerning the things which he saw in a vision, and also the things which he spake by the power of the Holy Ghost, which power he received by faith on the Son of God—and the Son of God was the Messiah who should come—I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear, and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost, which is the gift of God unto all those who diligently seek him, as well in times of old as in the time that he should manifest himself unto the children of men.

For he is the same yesterday, today, and forever; and the way is prepared for all men from the foundation of the world, if it so be that they repent and come unto him.

For he that diligently seeketh shall find; and the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto them, by the power of the Holy Ghost, as well in these times as in times of old, and as well in times of old as in times to come; wherefore, the course of the Lord is one eternal round."

 Nephi is awesome, and one of the reasons why is that he is constantly asking for things that would make me feel totally presumptuous. Every time his father has a vision, he asks to see it, too, and his prayer is always answered. (The other big time is in 1 Nephi 2.) This has caused me to do a lot of pondering in recent years, on the subject of my own internal spiritual state. I don't feel ready to ask for this sort of thing yet, because I'm not ready to receive it. I hope I am someday. I need to work on some things.

Hrm.

If you read this, could you please try to comment on it, and if that doesn't work, shoot me an email? There have been reports of problems, and I want to try and figure out what's going on. I don't have the comments moderated, and you should be able to use OpenID even if you don't have a Blogger/Google account. If you try to post something and it doesn't show up immediately, I'd like to hear about it. Thanks!

This year is the first year of the rest of the years

I make big plans a lot. Sometimes I even carry them through, but not always; behind the webcomic I've actually started, there are at least five ideas that I cast and started plotting but which never otherwise got off the ground. I'm constantly telling people we should form a band. I want to help found a school someday. I want to travel all over the world. I want to learn Spanish (and sign language). I want to learn to tap dance. I want to direct plays. I want to read awesome books and play awesome video games and watch awesome movies. I want to write a movie, and direct one, and star in one. I want to live in a tiny town, even tinier than this one, maybe in Alaska, where everyone knows and depends on each other. I want to live in a huge metropolis where I take the elevator downstairs for groceries. I want to have a ton of awesome kids who love each other. I want to say something important and beautiful and have it published and have it get to the right people.

There are a lot of things I used to want to do that I don't anymore, like speak fluent Japanese, be a professional programmer, be an expert ice skater, or sing on Broadway. I used to vow I'd play Christine Daae one day--now that musical doesn't even make my top three. And I'm no longer quite sure I'll ever make it to the moon.

It's a new year, which means that I've just spent several weeks immersed in partying and playing games with my family and am now coming back to the real world. I started taking my iron again, and the night-and-day difference from how things normally are was incredible. On Friday I cleaned a ton of the house, went to the store, made dinner, and even made cookies. (For most people this is so much less than an average day's load of necessities that I'm embarrassed to brag about it, but I guess no one who dislikes me is going to bother to read this anyway.) It was a lot of success, for me! I forgot what a huge difference it makes when my body actually has the resources it needs to pilot me through the day. Then I forgot the iron again for two days, and I've been a mopey zombie again. Amazing.

So, anyway. There are a lot of things I want to do. Some of them I'll probably grow out of, I guess. Most of them will have to wait until the kids one is done, which is totally fine and was always part of the plan--although some of the stupider sacrifices freak me out more than the big ones. Sure, Europe will still be there in 20 years, but what about this video game??

Right now, two of my big goals are weighing heavy on my mind. One is the in-progress one, the webcomic. I'm kind of scared about getting it up and running again. There's been a sort of unadmitted hiatus going on for the wedding and stuff, and I hate that. I was so hard to keep that momentum going in the first place--I'm terrified by the idea of having to start it up rolling again from standing still. I need to get to writing some scripts, but it's so hard to find the time and the brainpower simultaneously. I have to make sure Michael's still having fun, too, and he's got other pressures to worry about that are more important, so I can't push too hard for us to hurry. I'm really scared of publicly failing at this thing that I was--am--proud of and love. I am scared of talking about it in the past tense already.

The other big thing is that I'm going a little crazy in the music-making department. It's been a year and a half since I fake-graduated and a year since I really graduated, which means the end of Divine and Bella Voce respectively. I don't know what to do with myself. I watch stuff like this awesome video and I just about rattle apart. Look how amazing those guys are! I've been on stage with them! They are crazy nice! Divine didn't rock quite that hard, but we did rock, and I am feeling the lack of it like a big, crazy itch. I sang with them for two years, overlapping my 4+ years in BV. I did choirs and musicals all through high school. I was in my first choir when I was 8. I have never not been making music, even when I couldn't get credit for it anymore, even when I was paying OSU out the nose for the chance to be there.

I always feel obscurely embarrassed when people talk about music like it's the Force or something, but I do want to sing. I just really, really want to. And I'm having a really hard time finding an outlet. I want to be in a band--just a part time thing, you know, a garage band, but weirder, more indie style, maybe one night a week, I could leave Daniel with Heath... But I don't play any instruments well, and everyone else already sings, so what do they need me for? Even watching Scott Pilgrim makes me wistful.

So, I've been twiddling with my piano (and briefly and embarrassingly with my guitar), and writing a few random scraps of song lyrics, and pouting about it on facebook. I don't know what else to do, just now.

...Other than be busy. Tomorrow starts a new week! Heath takes his big scary exam on Thursday, and the application for grad school is due this weekend. It will be nice to have that out of the way; it's freaking me out, largely because I'm not really involved or able to directly contribute. Plus, not having that hanging over our heads means more time for fun. One of my goals this year is to be less shy about socializing, and to start inviting people to our home more often. (This is an awesome goal because it sneaks in a requirement for a certain amount of cleaning, under my rebellion radar. :P) My other goal is to do better about praying and studying the scriptures, because I really need to have the Spirit around if I want to be able to keep everything in the air, and I know it will make me happier and smarter and stuff. It's interesting how hard and scary it is to do spiritual self-analysis and to pray when I'm in a place of sighing and worrying and spinning my wheels. I guess that's because they're opposites.

I guess I'm done now. It's a good thing I didn't make a resolution to reform my journal from being disjointed non sequitor city!